The feeling rises within you on every breath you take. Your shoulders hunch and tense forming a quickly permanent knot at the top of your spine. You fidget. Your hands dancing across every surface, twitching and shaking. Every mistake you make resonates. Your self perceived failure echo’s around your mind, overpowering every other thought you try to think.
You try meditation, you try a gratitude journal, you try happy thoughts and a ‘positive mindset’. But you cannot stop shaking and twitching and fidgeting. There is an unrest in your bones. An underlying hysteria.
Your habits carry you. You get up at the same time you used to, you still do your work out, go to the cafe and plonk out something on your computer so you can say that you’ve worked on your side hustle.
But it’s only habit now. You are no longer engaged with the actions.
It’s been so long since you’ve experienced a flow state with anything. The only moment in which you feel stillness is when you write.
Writing becomes your mindfulness, your stillness, your meditation. Writing becomes your oxygen.
So you continue to write, desperately hoping that if you one day write enough of your story down, that a new story will begin.